You Were Never So Happy As You Danced In His Arms
by DowntonIsMyLife
Summary: Anna's goodbye letter to Mrs Hughes, encouraging her that life is too short to stay silent. Set in CS after the servants ball.
1. The Letter

AN: Bates's trial and everything happened in October, I'm very sorry but Bates has been hanged it's sad but it gave me a reason for Anna to leave. I know they probably wouldn't have had the ball but it was easier. I will update all my other stories soon, dw ;)

Mrs Hughes,

I am sorry to say I have had to leave, I wish I could have spoken to you before I did but I find I cannot stay at Downton, the memories are too powerful and I'll be no use to you if I'm just unhappy all the time, I know you need a good working housemaid and if I can't be that for you then I'm saving you from sacking me.  
>I am sorry to have left without your consent, I know you're now without a reasonably senior housemaid but I'm sure you'll find one soon who isn't going to fall in love with a co-worker, conduct an affair and become pregnant or have other dreams of another job. Hopefully you're next maid will be satisfied with her job. You'll find my room empty and anything I have borrowed on my bed.<p>

I have already given you my reasons for wanting to leave and I'm sorry but you just couldn't convince me to stay, I just can't face being at Downton almost feeling as it was before he arrived. It's not just that he's gone but I'm his wife so I feel I should be somewhere else, it won't do you much good either if I'm still here, you never said it but I know you felt guilty about what happened in court, I don't many times I have to reassure you that you shouldn't, you told the truth and that's what they asked you to do. The information you gave wasn't the overall cause, you mustn't feel like it's your fault Mrs Hughes. I don't hold it against you and I know he didn't either, we both knew you'd never do anything to hurt either of us. You've always been kind to me, I know I speak out of turn but you became a mother to me, particularly when my own died, I'm more grateful to you Mrs Hughes than you may ever know, especially recently, you went out of your way to cheer me up and look after me. You're an incredible woman Mrs Hughes, the staff are lucky to have you and so was I – please don't ever forget how wonderful you are.  
>And in the end the story will die down and you can all get on with your own lives again, you can forget about both of us and everything that's happened.<p>

I just want to say, I need to say it to someone and I think you're the best person to say it to. I loved him more than anything; there wasn't one day when I wouldn't look forward to seeing him, for eight years. The last few months have been the hardest of my life, I cannot explain how empty I've felt without him and now knowing he's really gone, I feel there's nothing left; nothing at Downton at least.  
>You don't need to worry about what I'll do, I will be living with Gwen for the foreseeable future, she's been informed of the entire situation and is happy to have me. I'm afraid however, I won't tell you where I'll be living, I need to fully escape Downton and as much as it pains me to do so, it means I have to cut myself off from it entirely, even from you.<br>I don't want to be there, forced to see all the places where he has been, the times when he'd look at me from across the room and give me a heart-warming smile. I can't bear to see all that, I need to escape it, I won't escape the memory of him but I don't want to, I won't marry anyone else – I refuse to be anyone but Anna Bates.

One thing I must say though, although I have discussed my feelings with you, you never did the same, you never told me how you felt. I know you keep a stern demeanour in front of the other servants but around me you were much kinder and I know that's because it's who you really are. You may never speak openly about your feelings Mrs Hughes I don't know, I was never in the position to ask, I wanted to many times, sometimes I'd see sadness in your eyes and I wanted to ask what was wrong but though you're a mother to me I'm just another housemaid to you and you'd likely have reprimanded me for inquiring.

However upon observing you at the servant's ball, my years of wondering and suspicions were confirmed. Many people, servants and family, joke that the housekeeper and Butler are like an old married couple but I always wondered if either of you felt anything more than friendship towards each other. You both stand up for each other if anyone else says anything against you; you clearly care a lot about each other. But it was last night at the ball that I decided it would be better to give you a little nudge in the right direction.  
>Last night, first when Mr Carson asked you to dance, I saw, despite your shock, that you were utterly ecstatic, your eyes sparkled in a way I have only ever seen in a woman so in love it takes over her life. You probably didn't notice that I was watching you, but I saw every little detail that would lead me to the conclusion that you are completely in love with him.<br>It wouldn't be as obvious to others, I'm not sure others were watching but I could see. You gasped when he held your hand, when placed his hand on your waist, you closed your eyes and exhaled with pleasure. I could see you were happy for him to be holding you so close. Your hand was shaking in his, a combination of nerves and excitement, the fact he was holding you, I could see you were trying not to let your happiness show but I could see how this physical contact was exciting you. Your whole body was shaking as you swayed to the slow music, he noticed this and he just held you closer. Your bodies were perilously close together, his hand had moved from the middle of your back further down pulling you towards him. You leant back so you could look into his eyes. Neither of you really focussed on your dancing but you managed to be the most natural and graceful pair on the floor. I could see the way you were looking at him, with the same longing I have seen ever since I first met you. Forgive me Mrs Hughes if I am wrong, though I sincerely doubt it, you never looked away from his eyes, you both just stared at each other, clearly both so reserved that you don't want to make a move in case the other doesn't return in. But I can assure you, the way Mr Carson looks at you is the way John used to look at me, so I think you can rest assure he returns your feelings.

I have known you for a long time Mrs Hughes, the same time I have known Mr Carson but the two of you would never leave each other's side, you were glued together from the start and I can't believe others haven't noticed, though they may have just not said. To me it's so clear you're both in love, it's hard to mistake the way you act or look around each other, that's either some seriously strong friendship or complete and utter adoration. I know however neither of you have said anything because upon asking you if there was anyone in your time you couldn't be without you simply told me of the man who asked you to marry him, so I know you weren't admitting to being in love at the time, so you can't have told Mr Carson.

Know this, over the last few months I have learnt that life is short and you shouldn't waste time wondering what might happen because you won't know until you try. I think, as soon as you've finished reading this you need to go to him, go and admit after decades of yearning, it won't do you any good to just hide your feelings.

I know I am bold in saying all of this, I probably wouldn't have gotten away with it but since I have no more to lose I feel I should tell you, you may be content with your position, your job and friendship but you were never so happy as you danced in his arms.

All my love,  
>Anna.<p>

**Please review, I rely on my reviews to know if you think my stories are worth writing or not. :)**


	2. The Discovery

**I'm currently curled up in bed with 3 water bottles in a room so cold I can see my breath :L Plus I have no wifi so I chose to so some work and update a fanfic or two :) **

**I know I didn't plan to write another chapter but a lovely girl (who stayed anon!) posted a review asking for another one and I couldn't deny such a charming review so I wrote one for her ;) She knows who she is so this is dedicated to you. **

Elsie took her usual place at the breakfast table, the Christmas atmosphere still hung in the air as the entire household had the day off for Boxing day, she watched the younger staff convey their excitement to one another of what they might do without their usual responsibilities.

Glancing to her left she saw Charles watching them intently, a slightly amused expression on his face,

"Ahh to be young again"

She rolled her eyes at him but they laughed softly together, sometimes he really did say the most ridiculous things, but he always saved them for her so however silly he was, she was glad she was the one he shared it with.

Mrs Patmore entered the hall, placing down a fresh tray of tea, she made an observation that had yet to be noticed,

"Where's Anna this morning?"

They abruptly stopped laughing and looked towards the girls' empty seat, as did most of the Servants Hall.

"Perhaps she's not well, Daisy?" Elsie called to the Kitchen maid who appeared behind Beryl, "go and check on Anna please." The girl nodded and hurried up the stairs and before leaving the cook shot her a suspicious look.

She ignored the worry and let it cluster in the back of her mind, she'd watched Anna carefully as she'd gone about her duties, the girl was always going to be the one she took under her wing, the one she could see as a surrogate daughter, the one who was always faithful and obedient, yes she loved Anna like she would a daughter and since the death of her husband, she just wanted to protect her.

She looked back to find Charles studying her face, as if to find some clue he didn't know of;

"Maybe she's just not up to coming down today." She offered casually, his concerned look warming her heart.

She'd just taken a sip of tea as Daisy rushed back down the stairs, cheeks flushed, hair falling out of its bun.

"Mrs Hughes! She's not there, the bed's made and there's nothing in the wardrobe or drawers!" The girl rambled, staring at her senior staff in terror.

"What?!" Charles had stood up, the colour drained from his face and his fists clenched as they rested on the table, his shouting had attracted everyone's attention. "Well, where is she?!"

"I don't know Mr Carson truly, I swear I don't know" tears had begun to form in her eyes as he shouted down at her.  
>Seeing her fear he calmed slightly raising a hand to his face.<p>

"It's alright Daisy it's alright, just, go and check upstairs just in case she's already up." The girl all but fled from the room as he sat down again with a deep sigh.

"Where could she be?" He was almost talking to himself as he leaned back in his chair, but he looked over at her. "Mrs Hughes?"

Her name jerked her out of her thoughts, she hadn't said a word since Daisy had returned, simply stared ahead willing herself to attracted as little attention to herself as she could.

"I think, I think I'll just go to my sitting room." Though she'd had nothing to eat, she hurried from the room, where was her girl, what had happened, the house couldn't lose another member of staff and more importantly, _she _couldn't lose another member of her little family, even if it was in her mind.

She closed her door and leant back on it taking deep breaths to compose herself. She longed to be able to think of things to reassure her and had Daisy not mention her belongings missing she'd be able to do it, but not now. There was no other reason, even if the others couldn't see it, Anna had gone. She'd spoken of it and Elsie had done all a housekeeper, a woman, a mother could to convince her to stay, be protected, be loved, whatever she was offering. She could never say any of this to her, not properly, she'd taken the girl in her arms but only as a comfort for her tears, that's all Anna thought of her, a confidant when things were tough and otherwise, simply her head of staff who she would likely one day replace – well of course, Anna had her own mother, her own family somewhere, but here, Elsie longed for her to be considered more than a housekeeper, just by someone.

Her eyes fell on the cream envelope sitting on her immaculate desk, the bright colour contrasting the dark wood, her own name on the front in shiny black ink, small curved letters she knew all too well from one person.

She could barely open the letter, her hands shook, tears already threatened to spill onto her cheeks. All her mind said was 'there's no other explanation, there's no other explanation, there's no other explanation.' She didn't even need to read the letter, knowing who it was from, what it entailed, did she want to force herself to read it?

Yes, she had to, she needed to know why her girl had left her.

Her trembling fingers finally pried open the envelope and she let her eyes read the words and her heart read the sentiment.

She read the words repeatedly, trying to take them in. Anna had considered her like a mother, she really had made an impression on someone, finally. Though hurt and utterly devastated, she couldn't help feeling something inside, a sense of pride to this girl that she'd looked after and now, had to let go.

Her tears stained the letter, the sentiment mixing in the little pool of sorrow. This must be what mothers felt when their daughters found husbands and left, except her daughter had lost her husband to an evil punishment sentenced by an unfair trial.

She let the letter fall to the floor and herself fall onto the settee, life was going so terribly wrong, she couldn't have Charles as a husband, he didn't love her, she couldn't have Anna as a daughter, she left her, she couldn't have William as a son, he'd passed away and the boy she considered a grandson was far away from her now in a far from ideal situation.  
>She curled up in a ball, kicking off her shoes so she could pull up her feet. She wanted all the hurt to go away, all the loneliness, everything, she wanted to lie there and forget it all, let life continue on without her, she longed to just stay curled up where nothing could hurt her.<p>

**Splitting this story into 3 chapters now. Please review :) xXx**


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